#HealZone Journal Prompt: Day Thirteen.

Yo!

I know. I know. I skipped day 12, but the prompt was for us to log off for most of the day… and I failed by not logging off. However, I succeeded because I wasn’t making any blog posts online yesterday.

Question: What keeps you up at night?

Response:
Honestly, I worry about money a lot. I always have. And if it ain’t about money. It’s about what someone has done or said that makes me feel like I lost and I suck!

I hate to confess those things because it makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me seem weak and greedy. I know I don’t suck and I haven’t lost anything and money can’t buy everything. However, in my misaligned mind, money can fix quite a bit. It’s hard to shake that type of thinking when you grow up and hear constantly that you can’t do certain things, or go places because we have no money.

So, I’m up wondering how I’m going to pay this bill and that debt. My son, being 6-years-old in the 67th percentile in his height needs new clothes and shoes every six months. Like, I’m not too proud to beg for little boys pants because those are the first to start lookin young on him. Jesus be several pairs of pants, please! Like my PayPal and Patreon links are posted below. Shameless? Yes… I know. Yop!

I digress.

My insomnia started in middle school after I started being bullied. My mom’s substance abuse was picking back up and I didn’t understand all that was going on. I felt outnumbered in every angle of my life and I was alone literally and figuratively. I felt like I had no one to turn to.

Related Post: #HealZone Journal Prompt: Day Two.

When I think about what keeps me up, in those moments I feel outnumbered. Like, I’m being bullied all over again. I feel like all that I do and say isn’t enough and I am short again. I constantly feel at risk of losing everything. Sometimes, I used to stay up on purpose to make the next day “arrive slower”. I used to dread the next day so bad, I didn’t want to wake up to it. I wanted to stay up and “plan” for how it might go.

Silly. I know.

I’ve gotten a whole lot better. I force myself to journal my prayers. I talk to a friend. I talk to my husband. And I talk to myself and remind myself that God is bigger than all that I could ever worry about. Plus, I get up at 4 AM every morning to teach English online. So, staying up is a ‘NO’!

What keeps you up?

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