Question: Do you blame yourself for your pain or have you forgiven yourself? How has that helped or hurt you?
I do blame myself for much of my pain. I always feel as if it was something that I could have prevented. In turn, it leaves me feeling hypervigilant about making sure it all doesn’t happen to me again. It could have been something someone else has done and I didn’t speak up for myself in a timely manner or at all and I feel guilty.
So, in order for me to gain my power back, I have to protect myself and be better at avoiding the problem.
As far as forgiving myself, I’m not sure if I have or haven’t. It’s hard to tell as I deal with memories that make me feel stupid or scared all over again. I wish I could forget, but that would make me more prone to be a victim all over again.
It does hurt me currently because I have PTSD and I haven’t really had the chance to get the proper therapy to treat my problems. I’ve only had the type of counseling where I would talk to someone without any other treatments to prevent a PTSD related episode.
It affects my life a great deal. Sometimes I feel it helps because I feel at some point I have to let people know that I won’t take what they give out anymore. I’ve allowed myself to be a doormat and punching bag, figuratively and literally. The memories of those moments are very painful. I didn’t stand up for myself. I feel like I lost all power, dignity, and respect. Those moments left me feeling so worthless.
So, I’ve been struggling to figure out if I’ve really forgiven myself or not because I can’t seem to live down what has happened to me because I had no fight. Now, all I want to do is fight. I want my power back.